Written by: S.E. (age 15)

Invisible. That’s how I felt as my family had to overcome the many interruptions thrown at us because of the injuries inflicted on my dad by war.

Even though we lived close to a military base, it seemed no one understood the pain I carried seeing my dad suffer from something that resulted from his dedication to our country. What hurt the most was witnessing the people whose freedom he fought for respond with judgment. I felt alone.

Unfortunately, it’s not just me who has carried this heaviness. Over two million children across the United States feel unheard and overlooked. What do these children have in common? They all have parents who are wounded, ill, or injured Veterans.

For one day every year, America stops to honor Veterans and those who actively serve. But, what about the other 364 days of the year? What happens to those who daily brace themselves to face the unknowns that may surface from a family member struggling with mental illness? Consider those who must suffer in silence knowing their peers cannot understand what they deal with.

Although we are not in the same place we were six decades ago regarding our understanding of mental illness in Veterans, unfortunately, there is still a stigma attached to the topic. I believe honoring the injured Veteran, and supporting the family should go hand in hand. Because whenever a family member signs the dotted line to serve, knowingly or unknowingly, the whole family signs up right along with them. When a Veteran is injured, aside from any medical help they may receive, who is their greatest support system? Their family. And because of the stigma attached to mental health struggles, Veteran families often lack the support they desperately need.

The hope is by the end of this piece, you will have a greater understanding of the fight Veterans suffering from unseen wounds must combat every single day. I also hope you will gain insight on the crucial role the family plays in a Veteran’s recovery process, and how important it is for you to reach out to the Veteran families in your circle with compassion and support.

The experience of every Veteran and his or her family is different. They are like a fingerprint. Some families’ stories may appear to be similar, but each is unique to the warrior and their family. My story is also my own.

This is My Story

My dad was deployed in 2013. Near the end of his deployment, he was injured and forced to return home to receive care because the installation he was assigned to was unable to provide the care he needed. The only visible wound was the injury he received in his right leg, and it was assumed that was all.

We lived in California at the time, and although we were ecstatic to have my dad back, we noticed he was exhibiting signs of unwarranted anger, bouts of depression, and heightened anxiety. My mom, who is in the mental health field and had been a Key Spouse in my dad’s unit, knew there was something more going on. As a Key Spouse, she worked alongside my dad’s unit commander providing support to families of deployed members within the unit.

To get my dad and our family the help we so desperately needed; mom consulted with his commander regarding my dad’s condition. Afterall, that was the role of the unit Key Spouse. Unfortunately, my mom’s legitimate care and concern backfired. The commander’s response was surprisingly unsupportive. When my dad recovered from his physical injury enough to go back into the office, he was mistreated and ostracized by his superiors. He had gone from being a well-respected Major in the United States Air Force with a promising future to dealing with maltreatment and the success of his career being threatened. Life continued, however, and although we didn’t understand everything that was going on, we began to accept life as it was.

We moved to Virginia in 2015 and thought we could start fresh and new. All seemed to be fine, that is, until August of 2016, when one unexpected night, my dad suffered a stroke. That was when our already complicated life was turned upside down. Multiple tests were administered and in addition to the stroke, the doctors found that my dad had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), which was tied to his deployment back in 2013. Because of this finding, they were prompted to test for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) which he was eventually diagnosed with. These multiple diagnoses, which required years of treatment and therapy, led us on a long search to find a new norm in our chaos. We knew from then on, our family would never be the same again.

How Mental Illness Affects Veteran Families

Mental illness is real, especially in wounded Veterans. Due to their combat experiences, invisible wounds such as depression, anxiety, PTSD and TBI are common. Because of my dad’s TBI, there are certain activities he cannot do, and he processes things differently than many people. His combat-induced PTSD can cause setbacks that lead to depression. Some who suffer from these two conditions combined can also exhibit symptoms of mania, if triggered, another possible result of combat experience.

According to NVHS (National Veterans Homeless Support) up to 25%, or 1 in 4 Veterans suffer from mental illness, as opposed to the national average of 1 in 5 Americans. In addition, many don’t have enough support, leading to feelings of hopelessness, a higher chance of homelessness, and substance abuse.

Another very grave reality is divorce. As recorded in a study by BYU (Brigham Young University), 62% of Veteran marriages end in divorce.

Without a proper support system, we could lose those who fought to ensure our safety and freedom. There is also the risk of secondhand PTSD which many military children face because of the trauma they view their parents struggle through and attempt to overcome every day.

If it had not been for my parents, who fought to have us present in my dad’s care and recovery, I wouldn’t understand my father’s disabilities like I do today. The sad truth is many children are unaware of what is truly going on with their Veteran parent. Sometimes, they spend their entire childhood blaming the parent. Although it seems safer to shield the child from what is truly happening, in reality, it can sever the parent-child relationship leading to dire consequences within the family. Even though it was comforting to have the knowledge that my dad’s depression, anger outbursts, and sudden changes of mood were his condition and not him, I still found it hard coming to terms with the reality that I didn’t know how he would respond at any given moment.

I remember the pain I felt one day when a friend came to my home and bluntly asked, “Why is your dad always so angry?” How could I explain what was happening? How could I tell her these behaviors were not how he normally would respond, and it was a result of his injuries? My friend did not know my dad like I did. Would she really believe me if I told her that his reactions weren’t him? I was at a loss for words at her blatant question and confused as to how to respond.

Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the only time I would have to search for a response, endure the side glances, the disapproving looks, or insolent behaviors not only from friends my age but also from adults who didn’t understand. Because of this, there was a time in my life when I remember shutting down. I had no will to live, make friends, or even trust anyone. It was hard suffering alone, watching as my mom struggled to care for my sister and me, and at the same time be a caregiver to my father. Almost more challenging was seeing my younger sister step up to help my family in ways no child should at her young age. Additionally, the rejection of people who we previously considered our friends seemed unbearable.

Support Makes all the Difference

The life of the child of a military injured Veteran is a hard one, but it doesn’t have to be. The simple act of reaching out, showing them their suffering matters, and they are not invisible makes all the difference.

I truly believe my experience would have been different if more people had a greater understanding of injuries such as TBI and PTSD and lent greater support. Conversely, had I not gone through this experience, I would not be able to write this. I wouldn’t be able to bring attention to the need for greater mental health awareness for Veterans and their families.

This Veterans Day, as we honor the wounded, ill, or injured Veterans around us, let us also boldly acknowledge the sacrifices their spouses and children make. Let’s take the time to reach out, check in with, and pray for them.

Let’s offer support to struggling families, even if all that means is listening as they share their unique story, maybe for the very first time, because they signed up too.

By Judy McSpadden

Most moms grimace when recalling trips to the pediatrician for their kids’ early vaccinations.

When my son, Grant, turned two, I knew we were in for some pain and drama at the 2-year appointment – four shots, two Baby Tylenol, and lots of tears. My friends had warned me, and I dreaded it.

Holding hands, we walked down the hall of the base hospital. I steeled myself for the upcoming ordeal, and he jabbered on about this and that. We counted floor tiles, waved to elderly volunteers, and I tried to keep my voice light so I wouldn’t worry him.

“I wonder if he had any idea how he modeled strength and courage for my little boy that day. I would like to have thanked him.”

We turned at the “Immunizations” sign, and we made our way to the front desk. That’s when Grant spied a nurse walking by with a syringe in her hand. I knew he’d seen her because he abruptly stopped talking and somberly turned his head toward me. Lifting his little chin, he caught and held my eye.

“Mommy,” he said with the weight of the whole world in his voice.  “I don’t want that today. I do not want a shot.”

What was I to say? I wouldn’t want a shot either — not today or any day. Shots hurt. I imagined responses I could come up with. “Oh, it won’t hurt a bit, Sweetie!” was one, but that was a flat-out lie. He’d never trust me after that.

“C’mon, tough guy, be a big boy” sounded motivating, like a football coach, but it sounded insensitive too; who knew what guilt he’d experience if he cried after that?

Stroking his hair, I just offered random utterances. “I’m right here, Buddy,” I said. “You’ll be OK,” I said.

But Grant wasn’t listening. He had tuned me out. His gaze had shifted to a stocky sergeant, about 5’11,” who had walked to the front of the clinic. Dressed in camo gear, the sergeant was obviously processing through the hospital in preparation for a deployment. While the receptionist was initialing his checklist, a female medical technician was giving him instructions.

The sergeant slowly rolled up his left sleeve and faced in Grant’s direction. In fact, staring directly at Grant, he anchored his feet in a stride akin to a sailor on a rocking ship. The med tech swabbed his arm with a cotton pad.

While the tech injected the serum, the sergeant stood fast, expressionless and still as a stone. Likewise, Grant watched, sitting motionless in my lap. When the tech finished, she walked to the sergeant’s other side. He’d already begun rolling up his right sleeve. The tech repeated the procedure. The sergeant rolled down his sleeve, said thank you, and walked out.

“Your turn, Sweetie!” The tech’s voice was strident as she turned toward Grant, all smiles, while disposing of the old syringes and changing her gloves.

Oh Geez, here goes. I was preparing for anything – for chasing him around the clinic, apologizing to other patients in case he yelled and  screamed.

But Grant didn’t scream; he didn’t even move. He just sat in my lap, head down — still as a stone.

“You ready?” I murmured.

“I’m ready,” he replied resolutely.

The tech walked to our chair, got to her knees, and wiped his arm. One shot…two shots…three shots (My gosh, does it ever end?)…four. Done.

Grant gave a single twitch, then a slight whimper.

“Very good, big fella!” the tech said all smiles again. “Do you want a sticker?”

“No thank you,” he said. “I’m ready to go please.” He was trying hard to keep his voice from trembling.

“I’m so proud of you, Grant,” I whispered, bowing my head over his hunched shoulders. “You’re so strong and brave.”

I’ve often thought of that sergeant when taking my kids to the clinic over the years. I wonder how he managed on is deployment. I wonder if he had any idea how he modeled strength and courage for my little boy that day. I would like to have thanked him.

We never know who’s going to impact our children in their lives. Sometimes it’s a person we know well, and other times, it’s a stranger. That sergeant exhibited sturdy calmness to a child that day. He communicated other qualities too, virtues of the service member that the young — and the old, for that matter — can’t always articulate. But they do admire those qualities, and I admire them too. I still do.

By Judy McSpadden

Millennials – now there’s a term batted around quite a bit these days. Also called “Gen Y” or “Gen Next,” they’re the first generation of digital natives born between 1982 and 2004.

People are attaching all kinds of traits to this group, what one Vanity Fair writer called a “demographic bulge” with a tendency toward selfishness, coddling and even a lack of patriotism.

Those comments make some millennials hot under the collar. They reply with similar jabs at the Baby Boomers. Roger Sterling Jr., blogger for PostGradProblems.com, believes the term, Millennial, is an overused classification “generalizing a generation more overtly diverse than any age group before.”

Whether it’s due to Millennial cultural trends or to something else, OMK’s corporate partners tell us that prospective employees are looking beyond traditional pay and benefits when interviewing for new jobs. They also want evidence of corporate social responsibility — a corporate culture involving volunteering and giving programs.

Corporations can show CSR in various ways: cash donations, in-kind gifts, sponsorships and pro bono services.  And then there’s “cause-related marketing,” the collaboration between corporations and nonprofits to boost company sales while helping a charity.

In a way, CRM is a combination of team building and community service.

Consider the people at Capital One in McLean, Virginia. For four years now, they’ve held company golf tournaments to benefit Our Military Kids. They collected items to be raffled. Then employees paid entry fees to play golf and to purchase raffle tickets. The local 2016 tournament raised $24,835, the highest donation amount to date. These golf tournaments are good social gatherings for Capital One and nice money makers for OMK – a real win-win.

A quick Internet search can reveal lists and lists of corporate team-building ideas, from raffles to car washes to casino nights. Team building helps employees build bonds and boost morale. It also builds job skills in communications, conflict resolution and planning.

Lockheed Martin, OMK’s longest running donor, routinely has bike building days in the Spring and Fall. Employees come together from around the country. While building bikes for military kids, they have a chance to meet up with colleagues at headquarters and from other locations. Another win-win.

Lids Foundation has partnered with OMK for five years. Currently, Lids employees are voting for their favorite of the top five charities named in their recent social media contest, called “Tip the Hat.” Fortunately, OMK made it to the top five. The winner will be announced on April 11. A peripheral benefit of the Lids-OMK CRM partnership was social media engagement – the increase in followers during a contest. You guessed it – a win-win.

Just as it’s risky to pigeon hole a 25-year-old into a Millennial stereotype, it’s also risky to presume a “one-size-fits-all” CRM event for every corporate-nonprofit partnership.

OMK, for example, is a small office with a national grant program. The children we serve live throughout the nation; they use our grants to participate in activities of their choice. Consequently, an event calling for children to work with employees would not be a good match. OMK gives to kids throughout the country,  but it doesn’t have them on “stand-by” for events. On the other hand, a company team-building exercise that raises donations for grants would work well.

The ideal corporate-nonprofit relationship results when each side considers its partner – the partner’s mission, needs and abilities. Then with a bit of flexibility, CRM events can involve fresh teams working (and playing) to cross a variety of boundaries — generational, organizational, and more.

1. 

   Determined to stay fit and eat healthy this year? Guard Your Health, a health and wellness campaign for Army National Guard Soldiers and their families, is here to help. These five tips will help you get and stay fit well into the new year.

   Think outside the gym. You don’t need to go to the gym to get in a full-body workout. Moves like push-ups, burpees, lunges, and squats can all be done in the comfort of your own home, without any equipment. For workout ideas, check out Guard Your Health’s digital Drill Deck on your mobile device. Choose exercises that target your upper body, lower body, core, or full body. You can also choose the intensity and duration of your workout. With this level of convenience, there’s no excuse for skipping your next workout!

2. Build healthy eating habits. Learning how to eat healthy can seem daunting, but setting goals is a great way to build healthy eating habits. Start by making small changes such as filling half your plate with vegetables or eating a healthier alternative for dessert. Guard Your Health’s No-Bake Chocolate Oat Cookies only use four ingredients and are a healthier way to satisfy your sweet tooth. Check out the rest of Guard Your Health’s #ClassIRecipes, which are not only easy to make, but also taste delicious!
3. Stay hydrated. Drinking water keeps your muscles energized and helps speed up your metabolism. It also helps flush out toxins after a tough workout. Consider adding lemon, pineapple, or cucumber for extra flavor. Use this hydration calculator to make sure you’re drinking enough water.
4. Make a meal plan. Use the weekend to get a head start on your cooking for the week. Preparing your meals in advance will help you save time during the week and make sure you stick to your healthy eating habits. Get started with Guard Your Health’s Turkey Meatball Bake.
5. Sleep. Sleep is a necessity, not a luxury. If you’re sleep deprived, you may increase your risk for heart disease, obesity, and depression. Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep every night. Start building healthy sleep habits with these simple tips:

• Unplug from all your devices 30-45 minutes before going to bed
• Eat dinner at least two hours before bedtime
• Block out sounds with white noise or earplugs

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Guard Your Health (www.guardyourhealth.com) is a health and medical readiness campaign for Army National Guard Soldiers and their families sponsored by the Army National Guard Chief Surgeon’s Office. Guard Your Health provides Army National Guard Soldiers with the information, motivation, and support to overcome challenges and make healthy decisions for themselves, their families, and their units. To learn more about improving your health, visit the Guard Your Health website, like “Guard Your Health” on Facebook, and follow @ARNGHealth on Twitter. For more tips to max your APFT and stay mission ready, subscribe to FitText, Guard Your Health’s text message program, by texting FIT to 703-997-6747.

 

Our Military Kids has much to be thankful for as it looks back at 2016. Beyond conducting another very positive annual survey of grant families and its first-ever longitudinal survey, OMK has awarded nearly 4,000 grants – empowering children of deployed Guard and Reserve and children of wounded warriors to conquer their challenges and face brighter futures.

“We did have our challenges this year,” said OMK’s Executive Director Linda Davidson, “For the first time in 12 years, we had to cut our grant amounts. But we’re hopeful. Applications for the program are high, so we’re gearing up to work hard for our kids in the new year. We’ve had wonderful donors and incredible volunteers, young and old.”

Founded in 2004, OMK supports children of deployed National Guard and Reserve service members, as well as children of wounded warriors from all service branches. Grants pay fees for activities, which counteract stress, raise self-esteem and enhance military family bonding.

The organization maintains its 4-star Charity Navigator Rating, and it continues to be a good steward of our donors’ investment.

This year, OMK has been guided by a dedicated Board of Directors, led by Chairman G. Kim Wincup. The board’s membership was enhanced in 2016 by the addition of Barry Miller, an independent management consultant; Laurelle Sheedy McCreedy, from The Lab School of Washington; and Benjamin Mednick, President of East Coast Tile Imports, Inc.

Looking ahead to 2017, OMK is planning another first-ever event, a symposium focusing on children of wounded warriors. These children are often raised in the shadows, while their parents struggle with painful therapies, frequent hospital appointments, financial strain, and other problems brought on by severe injuries.

To learn how you can support Our Military Kids as it looks toward the new year, visit www. OurMilitaryKids.org.

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About Our Military Kids

Our Military Kids was founded in 2004 with a pilot program focused on a National Guard unit from Winchester, Va. The successful pilot program was expanded, first to help all deployed Reserve and National Guard families living throughout Virginia, and then to families living in Maryland and the District of Columbia.

In 2006, OMK became a national program. In 2008, it was expanded to include children of wounded warriors of all branches and components of the military. With the help of generous donors and volunteers, we have empowered more than 44,000 children. For more information, please visit OurMilitaryKids.org, or follow us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

 

[Our Military Kids welcomes this guest post by Bill Smith, author of the recently published Four A.M. December 25. Mr. Smith has been an educator and an elementary principal for 30 years. Not only will the book’s plot resonate with children who have experienced a parent’s military deployment, but the rich illustrations offer details to think and talk about long after the reading is over. Proceeds from the book’s sale go in part to Our Military Kids. To order a book, go to www.billosmith.com.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Bill O. Smith

Jeffrey was fighting again.  The recess aide hauled him into the principal’s office, my office.  Jeffrey had smacked a little girl in the sandbox, who was minding her own business.  He then yelled at the aide. I asked Jeffrey if he thought he should apologize.  He nodded yes.

The recess aide came in with the little girl, holding her hand.They faced Jeffrey, a tough little first grader. Jeffrey’s chest began to heave. He opened his mouth to apologize. And then, he burst into tears, into loud, uncontrollable sobs. The rest of us just stared at each other, speechless. I dismissed the others and called home. Jeffrey’s grandmother answered. Jeffrey’s dad was in Afghanistan. And Just that weekend, Jeffrey’s mom had also been deployed to parts unknown.

So many little ones cannot, or will not, verbalize their distress. Some bury their fears deep inside, and others like Jeffrey take out their distress on others.

I wish we had someone from Our Military Kids when I was an elementary principal. We did not, so we did our best to handle tough situations at school. Of course,  a child’s distress does not end when school ends. In fact, for many, school is a distraction and a safe haven that disappears when a child must go home to face the ghost of a missing loved one.

And that is where OUR MILITARY KIDS makes all the difference. The activities provided are far more than mere distractions. Each activity is a building block towards healing, courage, and a strong sense of self-confidence.

We are so proud to partner with OUR MILITARY KIDS, INC. It somehow seems like a perfect match that a children’s picture book like FOUR A.M. DECEMBER 25 should provide help and healing for children.   It is especially satisfying to know you are a four-star charity as rated by Charity Navigator.

Many thanks to OUR MILITARY KIDS, and to all of you who purchase FOUR A.M. DECEMBER 25.

 

By Judy McSpadden

There’s no doubt about it – military deployments cause stress for kids.

Plenty of research conducted on military operations since 9/11 backs up that statement. A military member goes to a hazardous zone, leaving a caregiver and other family members at home to face new and unsettling routines. Consider the news footage of children, among many over the past decade, who are waving good-bye to dads and moms wearing camouflage and are filing alongside other soldiers through the airport gate. What follows for the children are nights of worry and days peppered with adult problems.

So what is the answer? How can parents and others alleviate the stress on the children?

One effective remedy for child stress is activity – what one dictionary defines as a pursuit, hobby, diversion, or recreation. In other words, “getting busy” can shift a child’s attention from painful rumination over a parent’s absence to learning cartwheels or sharing a game of soccer.  Our Military Kids, whose grants pay for sports, arts, and tutoring activities, runs periodic surveys of its grant recipient families. Results show that 98 percent of parents believe activities have reduced their children’s stress symptoms. Not only that, but children’s activities drew participation by other members of the family – dads joined the gym too, or mom made new mom friends. The result was an improved sense of well-being for the whole family.

The “activity remedy” isn’t just for military kids. Notable adult stress factors, like divorce, moves, work or school insecurity and illness, can affect kids of all walks of life. Their grades may plummet; they may withdraw. But parents and teachers often see negative behavior or attitudes change when kids get into a sport, a club, or hobby.

In his 2011 report on the positive effects of extracurricular activities, scholar Evan Masson purports activities improve a host of problems — bad behavior, low grades, and dropout rates — while also helping kids learn adult lessons, like teamwork, time management, and social skills.

Of course, parents can run the risk of overscheduling their kids. Dr. Michele Borba, author of the book, Unselfie, suggests there are times parents need to “hit the pause button.” Loading a child down with too many activities may add stress rather than alleviate it, especially if performance requirements (or school grades) are involved.  Psychologist Reid Wilson and psychotherapist Lynn Lyons, authors of the book, Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents, advocate the importance of play, “play that isn’t pressured.”

Yes, the evidence is convincing. So here’s the next question: which activities are best for our kids?

Last year the Pew Research Center surveyed parents of school-aged children about preferred after-school activities. Sports was by far the most popular activity for 73 percent of their respondents. Sixty percent of the activities were religious, and just over half of the activities involved music, dance and the arts. Fewer activities included volunteer work and tutoring. Thirty-six percent of parents reported that their teenagers had part-time jobs in the year prior to the survey.

According to a recent survey by Our Military Kids, since January of this year, sports programs have taken top billing; over half of Our Military Kids recipients took gymnastics, baseball or other programs. The next highest categories were arts, then camps, then tutoring.

Whatever the activity, the important thing is to get the child involved in something positive, compelling…or just plain fun.

  April is the Month of the Military Child, a time to recognize the contributions and sacrifice that military children make alongside their military parent. There are currently over 2,000,000 of these children and millions more whose parents are veterans. There are thousands more still who have lost a military parent due to combat-related injury or suicide. These children are like civilian children in a number of ways. They attend public schools, play on local soccer teams and live in communities throughout the country. They play musical instruments, argue with their siblings and do chores around the house. They live in big cities and the smallest of towns. They are four and fourteen, male and female, quiet and outgoing. They are American children, just like any other American children. But there are differences. Children of the military take on responsibilities at home that their civilian peers do not normally take on. They experience long periods of time without their military parent when s/he is deployed, often two, three or even four times. They help care for their military parent when s/he comes home with the wounds of war, both visible and invisible. They move, on average 6-9 times, and change schools as frequently. They live with the pride and knowledge that their military parent is fighting for our freedom and is doing so in harm’s way. Three out of four military children fare well, and in most cases, thrive, attributing their military lifestyle to their maturity, strength and flexibility. However, 25-30% of these children need extra support. They struggle in school and experience anxiety and depression at disproportionate rates. They are also at a higher risk for child maltreatment. All of these risks increase as the total months of deployment increase. The good news is, military children, like their military parents, are resilient and adaptable. And like all children, they benefit from extra supports in the community. For most of these children, staying connected to positive outlets, like extracurricular activities, is all they need to positively navigate a period of deployment or medical recovery. Extracurricular activities- from art to sports to summer camps- provide a positive, structured outlet where children can discover their interests and talents. Furthermore, these activities introduce children to positive adult role models as well as new friends who share the same interests. Our Military Kids is proud to recognize these military children and provide them with the funding to participate in the extracurricular activity of their choosing in their own communities. To date, Our Military Kids has distributed nearly $22 million through 53,000 grants to children throughout the 50 States, U.S. territories and District of Columbia. Our Military Kids has never turned away an eligible child, and the staff works tirelessly to ensure they never will. During this Month of the Military Child and during all the months going forward, let us make a collective commitment to recognize, honor and thank the children who serve our country as part of a military family. Military service is a family affair and no one knows this more than our military kids.

 

By Danielle S., Mother of Two Our Military Kids Grant Recipients

As military spouses, and specifically Guard and Reserve spouses, most of us have had “the moment” that we knew things were about to change. You know “the moment”, spouses; it is the moment your husband or wife says any of the words, ‘got the call’, ‘deployment’, ‘activation’, or even ‘involuntary orders’. Our heart sinks for a moment because we know it means a good-bye is on the horizon. If you are anything like me, the heart in the stomach moment is short lived as my brain starts spinning with all of the things I need to remember to take care of before he leaves. We need to update the will, the power of attorney, get the cars serviced, tell the kids’ schools, and the list goes on and on. These are all very important tasks designed to make the transition as smooth as possible as you move from normal into the new normal that is deployment. We all know the contents of the pre-deployment checklist; but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the things that should be on the checklist. We check off tasks on the pre-deployment checklist that will help us survive deployment; but there is a whole other list of things we should check off so we can thrive during the deployment. For most of us, this list was put together by our experiences with past deployments, articles, or even advice from other seasoned military spouses. No matter where we get it – this list is just as important, and sometimes more of a lifeline to us than any other. The reason this sort of list isn’t circulated in a generic way at pre-deployment briefings is because it is more personalized, fluid, and individual.  In fact, my list has been a bit different for each deployment we have experienced with my Marine. Ready to start your list? Put your big girl or big boy pants on, get a great notebook or journal, and start writing! Did you write those 3 items on your list? You should – they are my top 3.

1. Put your big girl/boy pants on. That’s it. You will have terrible days, you will have great days, and some days you will just be happy you had the chance to put pants on at all.
2. Get a great journal or notebook. My suggestions? Get one that is sturdy enough to carry with you every day. Not too small, not too big. I like getting ones about the 5×7 size, but that is me. Find what speaks to you – I like getting pretty journals, ones that make me feel good when I look at it. There are so many great ones out there – they have pretty covers, or inspirational quotes on them, your favorite comic series – whatever it is that speaks to you and can be carried with you wherever you go.
3. Start writing. Two words that have a huge impact. When our spouses leave, everything is on our shoulders. A thousand details are spinning around in our heads; dance class at 5:30, can’t forget to pay that bill, what do I need at the store, how did he tell me to check my oil? It’s all there, spinning around. Write it down; the moment you think of it, write it in your notebook. Deployment is stressful enough – we need to find ways to quiet the stress. Knowing that you have written it down and can go back to trigger your memory; it helps in inexplicable amounts. Half of our worry is that we will forget some of the things we need to do or remember. By writing it down, we take away at least one worry. Also, use the notebook as a journal when you need to. Feeling down? Write it down. It is scientifically proven that writing can make you feel better – much like a good cry. Holding feelings in during deployment is common; we have our big girl pants on, we are strong military families, we want to be strong for the kids. No matter the reason, valid or not, we hold them in. This is not good. Get them out – writing in a private journal lets us do that without judgment. I have also started writing at least three positive things that happened each day. It’s easy to focus on the bad of deployment but what a difference it makes when you also see there is good in it! So get out your journal, notebook or iPad – whatever method you choose – and start writing!

As I said before, this is a very personalized, fluid, constantly changing list. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. The standard suggestions that you read in every article are there for a reason. They work. So add these to your list: take care of yourself, spend time on a hobby, start a project, see a therapist, exercise, travel, go out with friends, attend activities at your spouse’s unit, STAY BUSY. I know what you are thinking – I am on a blog about helping our military kids, why is she talking only about the spouses? My reason is simple, if we are taking good care of ourselves, we will be better equipped to take care of our military children. So take care of yourself, military spouses – your military kids need you and are following your example!  

Counting down the days until mommy or daddy is home from deployment is one way to keep the families eye on the prize, the homecoming. There are a few different ways to have a countdown. We are going to go through our favorites today.  

1. A Kiss A Day while Mommy or Daddy is away. In a jar, decorated, place Hershey Kisses for every day your service member will be gone. (If you have more than one child, it would be best to have more than one jar so the jars can accurately reflect how many days are left and the kids are not fighting over the kisses.) Either every morning or every night, depending how your family decides to eat the chocolate. (Don’t worry, we will have sugarless options as well.) It’s like getting a little kiss from the deployed parent!
2. Patriotic Day Down, Days to Go! Set out two flower vases or jars, in one jar place American Flags, toy soldiers, or other symbols of patriotism. The items should equal the amount of days your service member is gone. It will help your child visualize how many days are left. The visualization can make it easier on them instead of just hearing a number, 50 is a large number to a child, but seeing 50 toys isn’t as scary. It is also a good way to visualize a half way point or when the days are closer to the service member being home. (Disclaimer, you can do this with any thing, doesn’t have to be just patriotic)
3. Sticker board! On one wall of your home, place either a poster board or laminated sheet with the number of days on it. For each day your service member is gone place a sticker on the number or box. You can do this one of two ways. You can go reverse as a count down to how many days or left or you can count the number of days he or she is gone. Either way works, we like the count down method though. 😉
4. Mommy or Daddy Wall. Choose one wall in your house to dedicate to your service members safe return. Have two clocks on the wall, one with their time and one with your time will be helpful the kids to understand why your service member calls at weird hours or isn’t always available to Skype before their bed time. This is also a good place to hang a welcome home banner that you and your children work on through out the whole deployment. It will continue to build excitement for the home coming. We also like the idea of pockets on the wall to keep pictures, drawings, or other things to show the parent when they return. Another pocket for things the children want to send to mom and dad is a good way to encourage them to write letters or draw pictures for mom and dad to have over seas. (We also like to add a map, who says we couldn’t make this a learning experience for everyone involved!)

We understand that there are many other ways to count down the days! Feel free to comment here and add your favorite way!  t