By Danielle S., Mother of Two Our Military Kids Grant Recipients

As military spouses, and specifically Guard and Reserve spouses, most of us have had “the moment” that we knew things were about to change. You know “the moment”, spouses; it is the moment your husband or wife says any of the words, ‘got the call’, ‘deployment’, ‘activation’, or even ‘involuntary orders’. Our heart sinks for a moment because we know it means a good-bye is on the horizon. If you are anything like me, the heart in the stomach moment is short lived as my brain starts spinning with all of the things I need to remember to take care of before he leaves. We need to update the will, the power of attorney, get the cars serviced, tell the kids’ schools, and the list goes on and on. These are all very important tasks designed to make the transition as smooth as possible as you move from normal into the new normal that is deployment. We all know the contents of the pre-deployment checklist; but that isn’t what I am talking about. I am talking about the things that should be on the checklist. We check off tasks on the pre-deployment checklist that will help us survive deployment; but there is a whole other list of things we should check off so we can thrive during the deployment. For most of us, this list was put together by our experiences with past deployments, articles, or even advice from other seasoned military spouses. No matter where we get it – this list is just as important, and sometimes more of a lifeline to us than any other. The reason this sort of list isn’t circulated in a generic way at pre-deployment briefings is because it is more personalized, fluid, and individual.  In fact, my list has been a bit different for each deployment we have experienced with my Marine. Ready to start your list? Put your big girl or big boy pants on, get a great notebook or journal, and start writing! Did you write those 3 items on your list? You should – they are my top 3.

1. Put your big girl/boy pants on. That’s it. You will have terrible days, you will have great days, and some days you will just be happy you had the chance to put pants on at all.
2. Get a great journal or notebook. My suggestions? Get one that is sturdy enough to carry with you every day. Not too small, not too big. I like getting ones about the 5×7 size, but that is me. Find what speaks to you – I like getting pretty journals, ones that make me feel good when I look at it. There are so many great ones out there – they have pretty covers, or inspirational quotes on them, your favorite comic series – whatever it is that speaks to you and can be carried with you wherever you go.
3. Start writing. Two words that have a huge impact. When our spouses leave, everything is on our shoulders. A thousand details are spinning around in our heads; dance class at 5:30, can’t forget to pay that bill, what do I need at the store, how did he tell me to check my oil? It’s all there, spinning around. Write it down; the moment you think of it, write it in your notebook. Deployment is stressful enough – we need to find ways to quiet the stress. Knowing that you have written it down and can go back to trigger your memory; it helps in inexplicable amounts. Half of our worry is that we will forget some of the things we need to do or remember. By writing it down, we take away at least one worry. Also, use the notebook as a journal when you need to. Feeling down? Write it down. It is scientifically proven that writing can make you feel better – much like a good cry. Holding feelings in during deployment is common; we have our big girl pants on, we are strong military families, we want to be strong for the kids. No matter the reason, valid or not, we hold them in. This is not good. Get them out – writing in a private journal lets us do that without judgment. I have also started writing at least three positive things that happened each day. It’s easy to focus on the bad of deployment but what a difference it makes when you also see there is good in it! So get out your journal, notebook or iPad – whatever method you choose – and start writing!

As I said before, this is a very personalized, fluid, constantly changing list. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. The standard suggestions that you read in every article are there for a reason. They work. So add these to your list: take care of yourself, spend time on a hobby, start a project, see a therapist, exercise, travel, go out with friends, attend activities at your spouse’s unit, STAY BUSY. I know what you are thinking – I am on a blog about helping our military kids, why is she talking only about the spouses? My reason is simple, if we are taking good care of ourselves, we will be better equipped to take care of our military children. So take care of yourself, military spouses – your military kids need you and are following your example!  

When I was a first-year teacher, I was called into my principal’s office. “What is going on in your classroom?” he asked, somewhat sternly. Rattled but trying not to show it, I was unable to respond. He continued, “Why is it every time I ask a student what he is learning in your class, he says, ‘nothing’?” Once again, I did not know what to say, but I was determined to get to the bottom of it. The next day I polled my students. They explained that all we did in class was ‘have fun’ and that, since learning was not fun, they must not be learning. This was upsetting to me, partly because I had been summoned by the principal but mostly because these seniors in high school had spent their entire educational lives believing that learning was and should be boring. I wanted to convince them otherwise, to show them how much they had learned and explain that there was a method to my lesson plan madness. In hindsight, however, I wonder how much it would have really mattered. If they were learning and enjoying it, was it necessary to shine a spotlight on it? Weren’t they learning just the same whether they realized it or not? Children do things because they are fun. They usually stop when they are not. This holds true of the books they read, the shows they watch and the activities they join. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find something they truly love and other times they find it right away. Like the adults they will grow up to be, the more enthusiastic a child is about what he is doing, the more dedicated and committed he will be. So when a child finds an activity that he truly loves, is it necessary for him to understand all that he is learning as well? Isn’t he benefitting just the same either way? Extracurricular activities should be fun. And, in my humble opinion, there is nothing wrong with fun for fun’s sake. But the beauty of extracurricular activities is that they are not just fun. They are filled with opportunities for learning and growth in an assortment of areas. Research has long lauded the many benefits of these activities. From academic gains to socio-emotional ones, children who participate in extracurricular activities are more likely than their uninvolved classmates to foster positive relationships with peers and mentors, graduate high school and go to college. They are also more likely to have higher levels of self-esteem, self-worth and self-efficacy. It is important for us as adults to know this, but I’m no longer sure that the kids need to realize it as well. Isn’t their enjoyment- that just so happens to be providing them a multitude of other benefits- enough? In February, we were able to help provide some of that fun and learning to 434 children in 44 states, Puerto Rico, Guam and the District of Columbia. Activities included many regulars such as dance, guitar, swimming and STEM along with some less common activities such as Future Farmers of America, rugby, roller skating and archery. Whatever the activity, the benefits are just the same, and we wish Our Military Kids a lifetime of fun and learning!